This morning I’m pondering the concept of ‘battles’. We all have them. At times, I feel like life is positively attacking me and I’m fighting an actual war.
Each day starts a new assault. Most of the time, I find this challenging. It energizes me to pit my skills, and assets, and strengths against whatever difficulty ‘life’ throws at me.
But once in awhile, my defenses fail and I start to sink. I hate these episodes. They wear me down and sap my will to fight. Sometimes, I think its blood sugar. As a diabetic, I test my sugar often and I suspect a direct relation between sugar ‘highs’ and ‘lows’ to mood swings. Whether that’s true or not, it doesn’t change the fact that life is a battle. And somehow, I need to learn how to fight back on a daily basis.
This leads me to think about focus and consistency. When I’m on top of things, feeling good, I fight life’s battle with strength of will I know can’t fail. On days I’m feeling tired, I wonder why I fight at all.
But the battles I face on a daily basis aren’t just my own. I’m looking at a battle that I intend to win. I have to.
My son, Josh, has cerebral palsy. Because of this disability, he can’t walk or talk. But locked inside a body that doesn’t do his bidding is a wonderful, bright, intelligent soul. He’s kind and full of humor.
Over the last thirty-one years, we’ve tried different kinds of communication devices. All of them failed. For Christmas, he wanted an iPad. His cousin, Nita, showed him how hers worked and he got so excited. The iPad has communication apps. And a touch screen. Surely, Josh could activate the touch screen.
We’ve had the iPad about a month now. What pleases me is Josh’s determination. He is showing focus. And commitment. I can learn a lot from his work ethics. He is laboring under far greater handicaps than I am. His battles are so much bigger than the ones I face.
The iPad is not going to be the answer I hoped for. We need more. And I’ve decided that this year, I will go to war for my son. I’m going to win this battle. Somehow, somewhere, we will find a solution.
I’m going to make phone calls, get him evaluated for seating and communication. He’s older now. He’s motivated. I can’t fight this war on my own. I need to surround myself with ‘experts’.
If I can’t find the answer that will help him, I’m prepared to invent, construct, adapt, or do whatever I have to in order to give my son a voice. I don’t want to leave this world without ever having ‘heard’ my son speak.
That brings me back to battles. And life. And what it takes to win. It took me thirty years to figure out what I wanted to do when I ‘grew up’. You would think being a mother, a full-time caregiver, and a wife, would keep me busy enough. But it’s not enough to live just for others. I need to live for me, too.
And I decided I wanted to be a writer. No, change that to: Have to be a writer. And the battle is fierce. I go weeks so highly motivated nothing could stop me. Then I crash, and wonder why I even bother. Then the muse starts to whisper to me. The whisper, when I ignore him, becomes a nagging voice that never shuts up until I go to the paper and put the words down.
The muse (in my head, I call him Victor. I don’t know why he comes across as male, but he does) is my caregiver. He pushes me, demands that I use my ‘voice’; shames me into looking at my son, who literally cannot express himself. How can I slack off, refuse to speak, when my son would give the world to be able to?
How little I appreciate the gift of communication if I refuse to follow through with the stories, characters, and plots that come to mind.
This is our year. For me and my son. We are going to win the communication battle. We both want to express ourselves. I didn’t realize, until I got to the end of this blog, how similar Josh’s needs and my own are. I didn’t ‘get’ the connection until I saw the words on paper. It shakes me to my core to realize I’ve been mute all this time, searching for the right ‘device’ to give me speech.
This is our year. For several weeks now, I’ve been telling Josh what I was going to do. The phone calls I was going to make. The ‘battle’ we are going to win. The Helen Reddy song, “I Am Woman, Hear me Roar” was playing in my head but I paraphrased the words and told Josh I was going after a way for him to communicate with every ounce of my being. I just didn’t realize those words were for both of us.
We are ready to be heard. This is our year. Hear us Roar.
Carol, I am so proud of y ou. It is hard to put words down that show the issues that are affecting your and Josh’s life. It is even harder to go out and find the answers. Such a lot of research it takes and getting hold of the right people. You are right. There is a very bright mind hidden that needs to come out. He has so much staying powere. Who knows what Josh can accomplish when he gets a voice. Whether you know it or not, your lives are so entwined that everything you and he do are accomplishments for the both of you. I am praying that you find the answer this year. Hoping you have unlimited phone minutes. One of these days your answer will come. Just keep up the searching. Keep roaring.
Thank you, Marilyn. I honestly didn’t realize how connected we were on the communication search until I wrote that blog this morning. I can feel myself sliding over into what I call my bull-headed mode. I am putting my head down and striving for these goals with every ounce of my being. I feel that 2012 is our year. We are going to make some sort of breakthrough. I hope both of us move forward but Josh has to for sure. I’m even willing to brave Chicago for this goal. I will be making my first phone call on Tuesday. Cross your fingers.
This is inspiring. Nothing new about that…your writing always is. But the thing that knocked me over about this was a line near the end. I don’t know if it was intentional, or a happy editing blip but “…communicate with every ounce of my being” is so perfect, so descriptive of what you’re doing and always have done for Josh that it gave me chills.
Shirley, this was one of the writing moments that blew me away. When I got to the end and saw what the muse was throwing at me, I had a moment of perfect empathy for Josh. For just that moment in time, I stood in his shoes and felt how badly he must want to speak. I literally cried. I don’t think I did it intentionally, but I think ‘Victor’ the muse, knew exactly what he was telling me. I had my eyes opened this morning and my heart stretched.
ROOOOOAR!!!! 🙂 I’ll be thinking of you two.
Hi, Becky. I’m making my first phone call tomorrow. Only time will tell where we’ll be by the end of the year but I feel energy coming from somewhere.
You go girl! Both you and Josh! I know we haven’t been acquainted long but I am praying and hoping that you succeed. And I feel a kinship here with this blog especially after I went to the doctor today. I am dealing with my own struggles but you, Josh and I, and thousands of others, have beautiful souls inside that we aren’t or won’t allow ourselves to express and that is what it is craving for above all else. It wants freedom and room and beautiful things. It reminds me of the “term” I “created” a few years ago: Soul Artist, meaning — an artist that wears the soul like a second skin for all the world to see without shame, without fear, and like you said here, roaring for all the world to hear.
I feel that this is a year I can change and move forward to, and I’ll be right there with you, all you have to do is ask. 😀 We can do this, all of us.
Seleane, your words excite me. I want to see us all empowered with the ability to strike out and make the changes in our lives that need to be made. You bet, we’ll do this together. Roar for all the world to hear.
Wow! What a wonderful ending to a great blog! Now that I have reliable internet access, I intend to be over here more often.
What’s the update on your search for Josh’s “voice”? Any more news yet? Marilyn hit the nail on the head with her comments.
Josh has a fine mind. The people around him deserve to hear what’s in it, the things he can tell us and teach us. His legacy will go far beyond his beautiful paintings, if you succeed. (And you’re sooo stubborn! You’ll succeed, because you won’t stop until you do. Your stubbornness is a huge asset.)
I’m still researching for Josh’s voice. I tend to get side-tracked by other projects. But I am stubborn, and I will pursue this. I have leads. What I need now is more time.
It’s great to see you’re pursuing writing on various fronts. Anyways, you and I were discussing how you’re going about publishing two books by mid-summer. Is it self-publishing? If not, what publisher are you using? I’ve found that many publishers don’t accept unsolicited manuscripts, and my main problem is finding an agent to represent my work. Do you know any places/agents that I could write to? The main ones I can think of are Writer’s House and Trident Media Group.
I’m home now and have time to talk. First, I’m a student of Holly Lisle’s. I’ve been with her for several years and have gone through her big courses and several of her smaller ones. I have learned more from her than I ever could anywhere else.
I decided, way before the John Locke phenomenon that I would be published. I waffled back and forth. I like the idea of traditional publishing because I want the respect that goes with it. But, e-pubbing would give me total control and a good deal more money. When I look at a 10% or 15% if I got really lucky vs. 75% the numbers tip the scale in favor of e-pubbing.
So, here was my plan of action.
1. Several years ago, I started getting writing credits. First by writing for our local newspaper where I gained experience in meeting deadlines and writing within my allowed word count. Best training ever. And I racked up bylines.
2. I queried magazines with article ideas and sold a big one. I got paid for writing, even sold photos, and acquired professional, paid bylines.
3. I began to build a network. I signed onto facebook and twitter and began to get name recognition. This has been a challenge but I’m gaining ground. my network will be in place and functioning before I ever need it.
4. I query each and every book as it becomes ready. Even though I intend to publish anyway, I still make myself do what I’m supposed to do as a writer. I want to learn the process. I want to pay my dues. That means sending out my queries, writing my synopsis. Attending writing conferences. Meeting other writers, agents, editors, publishers face to face. I am stepping into the arena and I will put in the time and energy that it requires.
5. I found a website, (and I’ll look it up and post it for you) that lists writers and who represents them. I started to look at my favorite authors and figured out which agencies they are signed up with. From that list I picked my top ten choices. I figure if I’m going to get told ‘no’ it will be from the big guys. And if I get told ‘yes’, I want represented by the big guys. I realize that I’m small potatoes right now but
6. This is where my strategy gets creative. I am going to go the e-pub route. I want my books with Kindle and Nook. I will also put my books where readers can order a hard copy if they so wish. I’m doing this for one reason. To gain readers. To start to acquire a following. Also, it’s immediate earning potential. Right now, publishing power is in the hands of the writer. That will most likely change when traditional publishers figure out how to compete. I want to jump in while it’s still fairly new.
7. I have 4 books ready to bring out fairly fast. Once those initial four are ready, I will aim toward two books a year. I will continue to query each book as I get it ready. At some point, agents are going to start looking at me differently. At some point, I will gain enough exposure to be a contender. The agents will wish they’d signed me on sooner because if I can earn a living without them, why would I want them later?
8. I’m not just publishing a book. As a member of Holly’s boards, she has set up a resource board that gives me access to people who can help me. I have access to web people, content editors, proof readers, cover designers. She is a stickler for fairness and the people on her resource boards have strict guidelines they have to work with. It gives me a level of trust that I might not have elsewhere. I am working hard to make sure that my work is as clean, tight, polished, and ready as anything out there. I want the quality of my books to be competitive with the big names. And I can do that. I control every aspect of my product which is the true beauty of e-pubbing.
9. I have purchased my own ISBN#’s. To do that, I had to become my own publishing company. There is difference between self-publishing and e-pubbing. I can discuss that difference more if you need me to.
10. I’m an older writer. I can’t wait years for somebody to tell me my work is ready. I am willing to give agents a chance at my work but if they pass me by, they are the ones who lose because I’ve got a terrific product and a lot of potential.